Working With the Mystery Student

by Patrick O'Connor, Ph.D.

Last week, we talked about one group of students that keeps counselors awake at night in the fall. The second group? That’s easy.

You have absolutely no idea who these kids are.

This isn’t about high caseloads or not enough time. Once they’re actually in the office and it’s just them and you, there is no counseling technique that lights up their eyes, encourages them to share their dreams, or gets them to answer any open-ended question with anything but “OK”.

Three problems here. First, you have absolutely no idea if their plans for life after high school have any grounding in reality. Yes, many students make plans at 17 that are bound to change. But if the student is becoming a veterinary tech because they aren’t good with people, and you don’t know they aren’t good with people, that’s a problem, because pets have owners. They need to know this, and we need to talk about it with them.

Second, many of these students head to college, and colleges want to know the person behind the grades and test scores. If all you can really tell them is “Nice kid, good teeth”, you aren’t just not helping the student get into college—you are hurting their chances of admission. 

Third, believe it or not, these are students who will go home, go online, and go to class reunions and complain about how awful their school counselor was. Right—you end each session asking them about how the team is going, or how their pet chinchilla is, but they don’t quite get that’s an invitation to, you know, relate. Since they don’t respond, you don’t want to insist they have a relationship, so off they go—only to make conversation at the dinner table all about how they don’t have a relationship with you.

What to do here? Three things.

Fix the source Adjust your counseling services offered in grades 9-11 so you end up with fewer seniors who feel this way. This can be hard, since getting to know students takes time.

You already meet with these students for career presentations, mental health exercises, scheduling. Trim out a minute or two for real conversation in these activities, that has nothing to do with these activities. You’ll be amazed the difference it makes.

Hand the meeting to them You need to know them better, but they aren’t really getting that. So, have them back in.

“Suzie, a big part of landing a job (admission to college) can be an interview, so I thought we might do some role playing, where you provide detailed answers to questions, so your interviewer can get to know you better.”

Then, off you go:

• Memorable high school moment, and why
• Memorable life moment not in high school, and why
• Where are you five years from now?
• The one thing you’d want to know from a roommate
• You have a free hour. How do you spend it?

If you get these, a good college recommendation is possible. Be sure to pay attention to nonverbal cues as well. Five minutes tops.

Don’t take it personally I have a number of students I didn’t click with for one reason. I want them to go to college so they can explore more about themselves and the world around them. They want to go to college to go to college. That’s two different planets, and when they collide, I do the best I can to write the best letter I can. It isn’t going to glow, but it’ll support, and that’s more than plenty for most colleges to see.