The Essence of College Counseling

by Patrick O'Connor, Ph.D.

The number one reason adults don’t return to college is math. Most of them have jobs, many have families, and college isn’t typically free, all good reasons. But the number one doubt in the eyes of 29-year-old community college students is the ability to do math.

Enter Mr. Nelson. A retired professional, Mr. Nelson worked as a tutor at the community college. When a diffident math student showed up in counseling during registration, the counselor walked them to Mr. Nelson, who would pull out a blank piece of paper, and write a math problem at the top. “Can you do this?” he’d ask, sitting down.

If that problem was a breeze, Mr. Nelson had a second, more challenging one. If the student just sat there for a while, Mr. Nelson had a follow-up designed both to test the student’s math acumen and give them reassurance. After about ten minutes of providing problems, Mr. Nelson would stand up and say “Math 115” or the number of the math course the student should take.

And he was never wrong.

* * *

The floor of the local hardware store was fairly worn everywhere, but there was a special indentation in the linoleum that led to the service counter in the back. With great regularity, especially on Saturdays, homeowners would bring used grocery bags filled with rusted, torn innards of toilets, vacuum cleaners, garage doors, and more, and march straight to the counter, where Dale awaited them. 

Dale solemnly unwrapped the bag’s booty, flipped over each part a couple of times, and headed out from behind the counter. He’d periodically throw a question over his shoulder—“Hoover?” “Kenmore?”— until he arrived at just the right spot in Aisle 6, or 3, or 13, pulled three items off the pegboard in front of him, and handed them over, along with the reminder “WD-40 is in Aisle 9.”

* * *

I had just spent more money for a suit that I loved than I had any real business spending, living off of one income, with a small child at home. The excitement of having something this nice almost made me forget how nervous I was buying it, until the salesperson said, “OK, so now we go see Frank.”

Nattily dressed in his own right, Frank had shocks of grey hair on either side of his bald pate, grey half-spectacles perched on his nose. He draped my soon-to-be-suit over the display case, sighed, then quickly produced about a half-dozen ties in his right hand. 

As I saw the ties, my competing thoughts were:

• I can’t afford the suit, let alone a tie
• Is he insane, none of these ties go with this suit

And then he flopped them on the suit, one at a time, each one melting harmoniously with the fabric, bringing something different but wonderful out in the pattern. I could only afford one, but I wore that tie until it was threadbare.

* * *

This is why I insist counselor graduate programs teach counselors a separate course in college counseling. Knowing how to register for the SAT isn’t college counseling; knowing what Berea College and Curtis Institute of Music have in common is; so is knowing the three things to do when a college waitlists a student, and the four things they never write about in a college essay. 

College is the mighty expensive suit students buy to dress themselves for life, and you’re Frank. Life is the game students need to add up, and you’re Mr. Nelson. And Dale can look at your bag of parts and make something new out of it.

Can you?

Working With the Mystery Student

by Patrick O'Connor, Ph.D.

Last week, we talked about one group of students that keeps counselors awake at night in the fall. The second group? That’s easy.

You have absolutely no idea who these kids are.

This isn’t about high caseloads or not enough time. Once they’re actually in the office and it’s just them and you, there is no counseling technique that lights up their eyes, encourages them to share their dreams, or gets them to answer any open-ended question with anything but “OK”.

Three problems here. First, you have absolutely no idea if their plans for life after high school have any grounding in reality. Yes, many students make plans at 17 that are bound to change. But if the student is becoming a veterinary tech because they aren’t good with people, and you don’t know they aren’t good with people, that’s a problem, because pets have owners. They need to know this, and we need to talk about it with them.

Second, many of these students head to college, and colleges want to know the person behind the grades and test scores. If all you can really tell them is “Nice kid, good teeth”, you aren’t just not helping the student get into college—you are hurting their chances of admission. 

Third, believe it or not, these are students who will go home, go online, and go to class reunions and complain about how awful their school counselor was. Right—you end each session asking them about how the team is going, or how their pet chinchilla is, but they don’t quite get that’s an invitation to, you know, relate. Since they don’t respond, you don’t want to insist they have a relationship, so off they go—only to make conversation at the dinner table all about how they don’t have a relationship with you.

What to do here? Three things.

Fix the source Adjust your counseling services offered in grades 9-11 so you end up with fewer seniors who feel this way. This can be hard, since getting to know students takes time.

You already meet with these students for career presentations, mental health exercises, scheduling. Trim out a minute or two for real conversation in these activities, that has nothing to do with these activities. You’ll be amazed the difference it makes.

Hand the meeting to them You need to know them better, but they aren’t really getting that. So, have them back in.

“Suzie, a big part of landing a job (admission to college) can be an interview, so I thought we might do some role playing, where you provide detailed answers to questions, so your interviewer can get to know you better.”

Then, off you go:

• Memorable high school moment, and why
• Memorable life moment not in high school, and why
• Where are you five years from now?
• The one thing you’d want to know from a roommate
• You have a free hour. How do you spend it?

If you get these, a good college recommendation is possible. Be sure to pay attention to nonverbal cues as well. Five minutes tops.

Don’t take it personally I have a number of students I didn’t click with for one reason. I want them to go to college so they can explore more about themselves and the world around them. They want to go to college to go to college. That’s two different planets, and when they collide, I do the best I can to write the best letter I can. It isn’t going to glow, but it’ll support, and that’s more than plenty for most colleges to see.

Potato Salad Kids

by Patrick O'Connor, Ph.D.

There are two groups of students that keep high school counselors awake at night in the fall. The first group of 2 AM students are the ones who aren’t going to graduate on time. Yes, you worked out a plan where a full schedule, a night school class, work study, and a Saturday dual enrollment class will get them a diploma. But this is a student who, at best, passed four of six classes in a regular high school schedule. Is this new plan too much?

I call these students the Potato Salad kids, named after a PE teacher I worked with who once asked me in June how the Potato Salad calls were going—“You know”, he said, “’hold the potato salad/hold the beer/your little darling/isn’t graduating this year’”. 

To sleep well, do two things. First, to help students avoid this kind of senior meeting in the first place, set aside regularly scheduled time in the office (not in front of your home refrigerator at 2 AM) to review your student support efforts for students in grades 9-11—what’s good, what’s bad, what’s missing, what’s needed. Yeah, it means a little less time with students, but when the house is falling down, you fix the roof before you make dinner. Help from administrators is paramount, and if you have a study skills or student support center, bring them in. 

Experience suggests many of these students have had classes with teachers who only teach content, not the study skills needed to understand the content. That’s a much bigger challenge to take on, but if your administrator is game, go for it. (Pro tip: Whatever you do, be sure to ask the failing students what they need to succeed. A true game changer.)

For the seniors you’re pretty sure aren’t going to be able to right the ship by June, there’s a three-step process:

Cut yourself some slack The same counseling services you’re offering 95% of the students either got them to graduation or at least didn’t get in their way. Unless you told Billy’s teachers to flunk Billy on purpose, the issues for Billy’s challenges are his, not yours. Move on.

Buy high quality snacks You don’t want your next meeting with these students to be a meeting about graduation. You want it to be a meeting about life. Creating that atmosphere requires a change of atmosphere. Pizza does that. Cold soda. Mozzarella sticks.

Have a real conversation The counseling techniques you learned in grad school likely didn’t work with these students, so it’s time to see them as your neighbor’s kid, your niece or nephew—maybe even your own. That requires a different approach, and different questions:

“So, it’s the day after final exams. No more high school for you. Maybe no more school ever. What’s next?”

“Why is that what’s next?”

“What do you need to get ready for what’s next?”

“How can I help?”

Right—you are assuming the student finishes high school. That’s because you want them to start thinking that way, which makes whatever they need to do to finish high school that much more important to them. That nurtures success.

Yeah, you’ll likely need Plan B, and likely Plans C, D, and E. But that’s later. For now, it’s time to get them to believe in themselves. That alone increases the chances that most of Plan A will work, so they only end up with a class or two to finish in summer school to get a diploma. That means that, by next September, nobody knows they were a Potato Salad kid.

Not bad.

Making the Most of a College Fair

by Patrick O'Connor, Ph.D.

Need to discover colleges? Try a college fair, which is a great way to learn more about all kinds of colleges, and very helpful if you’re deciding which college campuses to visit. Typically held in the fall and spring, college fairs can have representatives from up to 400 colleges, all eager to talk with you about their college and your life. Many fairs feature information sessions on applying to college and for financial aid, and most fairs are free.

The college fair format translated nicely to the Internet during the COVID crisis. Each college has its own room within the site, so you can “wander” from one school to the other and stay as long as you like. In many cases, you’ll find you’re the only one in the room, which means you get a shot at a mini-interview with the college representative, who is often the person who will first read your college application.

With so many colleges, it’s easy to be intimidated. Take (or if it’s an online fair, have handy) a highlighter, a pen, an unofficial copy of your transcript, and five questions committed to memory that will help you learn more about each college—information you can’t get online. What you ask is up to you—majors, food, chances for research, cost, social life—just make sure the answers will help you decide if this place is worth a closer look.

If it’s an in-person fair, get a map of where the colleges are located BEFORE you start meeting colleges. A list of participating colleges is usually on the fair’s Website, so you can scope this out ahead of time.

With either kind of fair, once you’re with a college rep, you might have to wait to ask questions—and that’s good! This gives you a chance to listen to what the college rep is saying to other students—since they will most likely be discussing general questions, you can use your time to ask questions more specific to your interests.

Once it’s your turn, get busy. “Hi, my name is (first and last name; NO student does this, which is exactly why you should—it shows confidence and gives the rep something to remember about you) and I go to John Lewis High School.” From here, you want to ask your questions; look the admissions rep in the eye when they answer your question, and don’t rush them.

If you feel like things are going well, and there’s not much of a crowd, pull out your transcript (or share it on your screen) and say “Just one more question. I’m putting my senior year schedule together. Here’s what I’ve taken so far. What other courses would your college like me to take?’ Again, NO ONE does this at a college fair, which is why you should. Most of the time you’ll get some great advice; sometimes, you may get a scholarship offer—but don’t be surprised if they don’t know what to say, since few students do this.

Make quick notes about this college before you visit the next one—you don’t want to have all the colleges blend together. This is easier to do at an online fair, but if you’re at a face-to-face event, find a way to do this. It’s crucial.

If you can get to seven to ten colleges and spend time at an information session, call it an evening with some post-fair pizza. You now have some solid information on which colleges are worthy of further investigation, and some solid information on yourself as well—truly a dynamic duo.

Free College Counseling for Your Students and You

by Patrick O'Connor, Ph.D.

I’m happy to tell you a free college counseling tool is now available for you and your families.

Nineteen years ago, I had a counselor’s dream job. No testing duties, no scheduling duties, no graduation checks, no lunch duty—and all I did was college counseling, with a caseload of 45 seniors. This was a far cry from my first year as a school counselor, where I had a caseload of over 400 students, all seniors, and I was in charge of everything. I even had to meet with students to talk about any disciplinary issues they were involved in. Talk about awkward discussions.

Once that ideal year was over, nineteen years ago, I tried to figure out how I might help counselors who were still where I once was. Too many students, too many duties, and too little training in college counseling puts far too many counselors in a position where they want to help students build what comes after high school, but simply can’t.

And that’s how College is Yours was born. I wrote each chapter with three things in mind:

• If I were talking to a student in person about this aspect of college counseling, what would I tell them, and how would I say it?
• If I were a school counselor, what would I want all students to know about this part of college counseling?
• How do I keep this information short and to the point?

About 40 chapters came together, each one 600 words or less. The idea was to give students the background ideas they needed to know, in a format they would come back to. Trying to figure out how to prepare for the SAT? Open that chapter, read it in 90 seconds, and apply the information. If students had this information ahead of time, the precious minutes they had meeting with their counselors could be used to individualize college plans. There was no need to go over the basics — now was the time to bring them to life.

Nineteen years and three editions later, this format is a success, with hundreds of counselors, families and students discovering what college is all about in a way that is effective, efficient, and exciting. It’s been great being part of that journey…

…but the audience needs to be bigger.

That’s why I’m giving the book away for free. Just follow this link, and you’ll be able to:

• Read it online for free
• Download it for free
• Add it to your counseling website for free
• Email it to students and families for free
• Share it with community-based organizations, faith-based youth groups, and anyone else. 

For free.

The book has had a great run, but the cost still gets in the way of students getting the help it offers. That’s over.

My only hope is you’ll share it with all your students, including those in grades 9-11. The book has strategies about how to make the most out of high school, starting in ninth grade. Too much college planning starts too late in high school. In a few short chapters, College is Yours fixes that, all without eating up precious face-to-face time with students.

For free.

So click here, and spread the word.

We’re in a time when people don’t think college is worth it. Trouble is, they come to that conclusion before they really explore college. That needs to change, and this book can help do that. For free.

Off you go.