Need a Breather? Try College Farming

by Patrick O'Connor, Ph.D.

The first major college application deadline has come and gone, and you’re taking stock. Students ignored your deadlines, they ignored your advice, and everything they asked you to do they wanted done yesterday. that makes it all too easy to wonder if you’re really making any difference at all.

Fair enough. Here’s what I think. 

1. It would be great if kids leapt out of their chairs and said “What a life changing suggestion! Thank you!” This doesn’t happen— kids rarely acknowledge our work made a difference in their lives, even when we do. This means counselors can’t be in the work for the accolades. We have to have the self-confidence to do the best job we can, given the Herculean task we are given, and be happy with having the chance to make what difference we can.

2. This also means you are likely making a bigger difference than you realize. Again, it’s unlikely you’ll be showered with thanks, a raise, or Fruit of the Month, but if you’re making an earnest effort, some kids will feel that. You have to trust that.

3. I built thousands of college lists, and offered millions of hours of advice— and the vast majority of it was ignored. I had lots of sleepless nights, until I realized I really wasn’t a college counselor; I was a college farmer, planting seeds of college ideas for minds to nurture or ignore. Keep tending those crops of ideas; you might not see much of a harvest, but kids, like farmers, generally aren’t all that showy when it’s time to bring in the crops.

4. Your client is the student. It’s easy to forget this when well-meaning parents over-email, and even easier if you have an administrator that doesn’t know (or care) about what you do. But parents stop calling and emailing when they see a change for the better in their kids, and administrators tend to leave you alone if parents are leaving them alone. That means a lot of the adults’ behavior is based on your relationship with the student, and you’re good at that. Never let that go.

5. Be your own best client. Everybody has a bad day, a few minutes of self-doubt, and often the situation calls for either or both. But if you find yourself honking the horn in traffic for no apparent reason, or the dog runs away from you when you come home, it might be time to think about what’s going on in your world, and who can help you better understand it.

Professional helpers are the worst at seeking professional help for themselves, but see yourself through the lens of you being your client; it makes it easier to understand when intervening steps could really help you out. This is particularly true if the best part of your day is spending two hours in a dark room with the Three Wise Men. If that’s where you are, it’s not time for help; it’s time to start over. Reach out.  Someone will be there.

6. Lead from a wise heart. This saying exists for a reason: “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Counsel in a student-centered way that opens doors; this shows them you believe in them, whether they walk through the door or not, and if all they walk away with after interacting with you is knowing someone believed in them, you’ve done half your job— getting a chance to do the other half is largely up to them. Realize that, and you’ll be a healthy counselor.